Everything He Wanted
by suppi-kero-chans
Summary: Severus struggles with what he wants...Draco tries to make things difficult for him. :: mild slash : bits of angst : unrequited love : indiscreet mentions of jellied slugs : complete epilogue added ::
1. Distracting

This started out as a small project to cure my writer's block, but I ended up rather liking it, so I thought I'd put it up. 

I almost cringe to divide this into chapters, but I thought it would look prettier and a bit more artistic, so there you go. That is why I am caving to the Short-Chapter Monster. It will most likely never happen again. 

Warnings: very light slashiness, bits of angst, some unrequainted affections 

So, standards apply: own nothing, getting nothing. Groovy? Groovy. Enjoy and review. Thankies. 

(and yes, the whole thing is finished and typed. i am simply posting it a chapter a day for a drawn-out, suspense sort of feeling. don't know if it'll work, but hey, it'll be fun anyway...)

* * *

_A heavy blow fell across the boy's face. Staggering, he glared, hurt and hatred shining in his eyes. "I wanted you!" His breath came in angry gasps, blood streaming down his face from a gash on his cheek. "All I ever wanted was you!" _

Cold eyes stared back at him. "You always ask for things you cannot have. You stupid, little boy."

* * *

"When you have completed your assignment, bring a sample and put it in the rack on my desk, properly sealed and labeled with your name. Then you are dismissed." Without watching to make sure the students did as they were told, Severus sat down behind his desk and flipped his book open to a random page in the middle, forgetting to hand out any practice essays. It was Monday morning and there were more pressing things on the man's mind than assigning homework. 

When all the students had turned in their samples and returned to clean up their work areas, a low voice drew Severus's attention: "Sir?" 

Severus glared over the top of his book at Draco. "What is it?" 

"I just wondered if I could be excused from class on Wednesday." The general rustling of students packing up their equipment covered Draco's murmured request. 

"What for?" 

"Nothing too important. A lie-in, I think." 

Severus's glare narrowed dangerously. "You'll be to class on time, Mr. Malfoy," he hissed out through barely parted lips. 

Draco scowled. "I just thought--" 

"No." 

With an angry glare, Draco turned and began shoving his things into his bag carelessly. 

Severus went back to his book, though he didn't bother trying to read the words. He knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate on them. For the rest of the day, Draco's voice would be floating in his mind, low and demanding. There was nothing he hated more than a demanding, self-important brat. That reminded him... 

"Potter, you'll have your detention tomorrow night. Eight o' clock. Do not be late." 

"Yes, _sir_." 

The two exchanged hateful glares before Harry followed his friends up the stairs and out to the hallway. 

His attention suddenly held by the feeling of being stared at, Severus looked up to find Draco glowering in his direction, his lip curled in what seemed to be a mixture of disgust and annoyance. "You'll be late for your next class if you don't get out of my room," he informed the boy with every pretense of indifference. 

With a dignified snort, Draco swung his bag onto his shoulder and marched out of the room. 


	2. Denying

Here's part two. Just for fun. Hope you enjoy and please review.

* * *

_His fists clinched, the boy snarled, "You just don't like to admit that you're wrong!" _

A low, amused snort. "I am never wrong. Now get away from me."

* * *

"Ah, Severus. I was looking for you." 

Severus looked up, the dim light of the candles around his office lighting deep lines in Dumbledore's face. "I assumed I was always easy to find. I tend to be in the same place every time you need me." 

Dumbledore smiled. "I needed to see you about Mr. Draco Malfoy." 

Shifting the papers on his desk, pointedly not meeting the headmaster's eyes, Severus replied, "I thought we went over everything you need to know about Malfoy." 

"We have discussed the fact that he has taken the Dark Mark, yes. But there seems to be more to it than that. I have a hunch..." 

"If this is about Lucius again--" 

"We've been over that subject." Dumbledore's voice was suddenly stiff, stern. 

"Yes, we have. So you will see why discussing it any farther would be a waste of both of our times." 

"It is not Lucius who I have come to discuss. It is you, Severus." 

At this, Severus looked up, a slightly bemused glint in his eyes. "Indeed?" 

"Indeed," Dumbledore confirmed, sitting in the seat across from the younger man. "You have been very close with Mr. Malfoy. I have noticed that since he took the Mark you, too, have been changing subtly." 

Severus stared at him with an expression of blank interest. 

"I know you care for him as your own son. You can still help him." 

Severus fought the urge to say how he doubted very much whether Dumbledore knew half as much as he thought he did. Instead, he said, measuring his tone carefully, "I have been helping him the best I can. He's too much like his father." 

"Draco is not Lucius." 

Severus scowled. He knew very well that Draco was not his father. Softly, he answered, "He is more like his father than you would guess. He does not need guidance, Headmaster. He needs...a close eye kept over him. He will stumble and only then will he realize the mistake he is making. He is trusting in the wrong things. The wrong people." 

"He trusts you." 

"He is trusting in the wrong people." Severus lifted the first essay in his stack and began reading, hoping Dumbledore would understand the immense workload he had for himself. Second year essays were always the worst to mark. 

"I trust you as well." 

Severus did not look up from the parchment. 

Several quiet moments passed before Severus looked up slowly. Dumbledore had gone, as silently as he had come. 


	3. Avoiding

And here's part three...I'm tossing them up there a bit faster than one a day, huh? Can't help myself, I guess. 

Anyway, enjoy and review. Thanks.

* * *

_"I won't leave! I'm not a child!" _

"You are more of a child now than you ever were. Nothing more than a silly, little boy playing at being a grownup." 

"I'm not a child!" he repeated, his voice growing louder, threatening to carry into the next room where people were laughing and chattering.

* * *

"You will be jellying garden slugs," Severus stated as Harry walked into his office at eight the next evening. "Everything you need is on the work bench." 

Without a reply, Harry walked across the room and pulled the first, fat, wriggling slug out of a deep, wooden bowl. 

Free to return to his reading, Severus looked at the ancient text, skimming the weathered pages. He was looking for a specific-- 

_Knock, knock, knock!_

Severus glared at the door. There was no doubt in his mind that Draco would be standing on the other side, his school bag over his shoulder, that pouting glare in his silvery eyes. "Enter," he commanded. 

When the door swung open, it was, indeed, Draco who entered, his bag in place, his glare fixed. He hesitated when he noticed Harry by the work bench, then he pressed forward. "I needed to see you about something." 

"Not now. I told you earlier." 

"It's important." 

"I said, not now." The slapping and snapping of Harry chopping slugs on the wooden cutting board slowed to a steady, automatic pace, indicating that he was paying more attention to the conversation than the slimy creatures. 

"Profess--" 

"If I have to tell you again, you will be joining Mr. Potter in his detention," Severus warned. Jellying slugs, he knew, would not bother Draco in the least. However, sharing a work bench with Harry Potter was obviously not what the boy had envisioned for his evening when he'd set off from the common room. 

"It can wait," Draco muttered, walking out of the room after casting one last glare at Harry. 

Silence resumed, save for the slap and snap of slugs being prepared. Harry's pace became erratic once more, and Severus went back to his book. He needed to find a specific potion...he'd seen it just a few days ago. 

"Sir?" 

"What?" He did not look up. 

"I don't have a cauldron." 

"In the store cupboard behind my desk." 

There were several seconds of rummaging before Harry returned to his work. Before long, the thick, slightly sweet aroma of simmering slugs and lilac fumes filled the office. There was a hint of the odor of burnt flesh on the back of the lilac scent that made Severus look up. "You're overcooking them. Take them off the fire." 

Obediently, Harry removed the cauldron from the fire and began to ladle jellied slugs into several small jars, screwing the lids on tightly and sealing each with a softly muttered preserving charm. 

"Finished." 

"Put them in the students' store cupboard and you may leave." 

"Yes, sir." 

Severus sat up for several hours after Harry left, pouring over his books, searching, one ear always perked towards the door for the sound of footsteps or another sharp, demanding knock. It was nearly three in the morning by the time he put out the candles and wandered into his room for bed. 


	4. Remembering

Chapter four, signed, sealed, and uploaded. 

R&R, much appreciated. Hope you like.

* * *

_"Yes, yell." There was a hiss of impatient longing behind the words. "Draw attention. Make them come. Let them all hear." _

Silence. Softly; pointedly; calling the bluff: "I won't. If you want them to hear, you yell."

* * *

"I told you specifically that you had better be in class this morning." 

Draco looked down at his hands, not speaking. 

Looking at Draco, Severus tried to decide the best course of action. A punishment that would leave him well out of the mix, but which would impress upon the boy...ah, that was it. Glaring at him, Severus continued, "Detention. And five points from Slytherin." 

"What? You can't take points off your own house!" 

"I can and I did. And it's your own fault." Glaring at Draco, he added, "And if you don't get out of my office this minute, you will have a week of detentions and another ten points taken off." 

Dejectedly, Draco asked, "Eight o' clock, then?" 

"I have no idea when Filch will want you in his office. I'll have him send you a notice," the man replied coldly. 

With a sneer, Draco spat, "_Filch_? You can't even be in the same room as me long enough for a detention?" 

"You are a delusional child. I do not feel like encouraging you. Now get out of my office before I throw you out," Severus said calmly. 

"You didn't seem to think of me as a child last summer." 

"Whatever you have convinced yourself to believe happened between the two of us in just that: a fabrication made up from the wild imagination of a spoiled, little boy. I am not your father. I will not indulge you simply to keep you placated." 

Before Severus had a chance to react, Draco stepped closer to him. The lack of space seemed to suck the air out of the small room. The fire burning in the grate grew warmer and Severus was sure there was something he was suppose to be doing at the moment... Images from Lucius's summer banquet flashed in Severus's mind like a black and white slide show: 

_Draco walked over to where Severus sat, alone in the sitting room off the ballroom, away from the crowd. The boy held out a drink to him. _

He declined. 

There were words then, but they were absent from the pictures moving through Severus's mind. No words. No time for thought. By the time the little memory-picture-Severus reacted to Draco's closeness, there were already alcohol-dampened lips pressed to his own. 

Severus slapped the boy. Hard. There was blood. There were words then. Angry words. From both of them. 

Draco's retreat was marked by the tinkling of broken glass on flagged stone as the wine he'd tried to offer Severus fell to the ground... 

The memory of the closeness from that night moved in on Severus once more, suffocating him. 


	5. Reflecting

And the fifth and final part of the main story. I've decided to do an epilogue sort thing, so that will be coming, but this chapter marks the end of the main body of the story. 

Hope enjoy it.

* * *

_More silence as the two stared at each other. Finally, the boy spoke evenly, his emotions finally under control: "I am not a child." He pulled back his cuff, revealing something that made the other flinch, as if he'd been slapped in return. _

"Put that away." 

"I'm not--" 

"Away!"

* * *

Before Draco could close the gap any more, Severus grabbed the boy's shoulders and pushed him roughly away. "Go to your dormitory." 

"Severus--" 

"You will call me 'professor' at all times. Am I clear?" His voice had once more taken on that dangerous edge. 

After looking at his teacher for several seconds, Draco started for the door. When he rested his hand on the knob, he paused and looked back. "I know what I want." 

Severus raised an amused eyebrow. "You don't know anything." 

A moment later, the door banged shut. Draco was finally gone. 

Rubbing his eyes wearily, Severus sank onto his chair and buried his face in his hands. 

It was all he wanted. Silver eyes looking at him with longing. With something that might have been love. But they were the wrong eyes. Draco was not Lucius. Oh, they were very much alike, but they were not the same. And Severus, though it pained him to always wonder, "What if...?" preferred his never-to-be dream to any semblance of Lucius that he might be able to extract from the man's son, no matter how willing those haunting eyes were...

* * *

_An unreadable expression. Thoughtfulness, maybe. Guilt. Just a hint of guilt in those grey eyes... "Severus, go back to your room and play with your toys." _

"I did it for you!" Desperation. 

Lucius's voice was tired. "Go away." He walked out to the hall, rejoining the party, leaving the seventeen-year old boy standing alone in the middle of an empty room. 

END 


	6. Prequel: Parallel Experiences Part 1

I thought it would be fun to go more into the flashback scene, so here it is. The moment that is plaguing poor Severus through the rest of this story. Call this an epilogue/prequel, sort of thing, if you will. 

Hope you enjoy, and please review.

* * *

Walking into the quiet room, Severus stopped, looking at the man he'd been following. Hunched in a chair by the fire, his expression brooding, was Lucius. His silver hair glowed in the dancing light of the flames. His eyes, dark and hard, stared unseeingly into the hearth. 

"You've left your party." 

Lucius looked up. "My party? It was Narcissa's idea. Only a woman would think to celebrate something as arbitrary as the first day of August." 

Taking a few tentative steps forward, letting the door close behind him, blocking out most of the noises of glasses clinking and people in pretty clothes laughing, Severus replied, "Summer is worth celebrating." 

Looking up for the first time, Lucius peered impatiently at the boy. "Did you want anything?" 

Severus bit his lip for a moment, debating. Finally, he spit out the question he'd been longing to ask since he'd first arrived that evening. "Are you and Narcissa engaged?" 

"Yes." The answer was cold and uneffected. 

"You don't love her." There was pleading there, and Severus was ashamed of it. He stepped still closer to Lucius, stopping just beside the low, wingbacked chair. 

With a note of decisive finality, the man replied, "She's the best. Who else would you have me marry?" 

Injustice swelled in Severus's chest until he couldn't breathe. She didn't deserve him! She could never love him! 

Angry passion swept Severus into a haze, distorting his thought and judgement. Before he could realize that it might not be wise, Severus leaned towards Lucius. Cold, thin lips met warm, full ones in a moment of surreal time. It was a moment that seemed, to both boys, to not really be happening at all. As if it were some story they had only heard about. 

But it did happen, and when Severus pulled away, Lucius reacted the only way he could have. 

A heavy blow fell across the boy's face. Staggering, Severus glared, hurt and hatred shining in his eyes. "I wanted you!" His breath came in angry gasps, the blood streaming down his face from a gash on his cheek. "All I ever wanted was you!" 

Cold eyes stared back at him. "You always ask for things you cannot have. You stupid, little boy." 

His fists clinched, the boy snarled, "You just don't like to admit that you're wrong!" 

A low, amused snort. "I am never wrong. Now get away from me." 

"I won't leave! I'm not a child!" 

"You are more of a child now than you ever were. Nothing more than a silly, little boy playing at being a grownup." 

"I'm not a child!" he repeated, his voice growing louder, threatening to carry into the next room where people were laughing and chattering. 

"Yes, yell." There was a hiss of impatient longing behind the words. "Draw attention. Make them come. Let them all hear." 

Silence. Softly; pointedly; calling the bluff: "I won't. If you want them to hear, you yell." 

More silence as the two stared at each other. 

The boy spoke again, evenly, his emotions finally under control: "I am not a child." He pulled back his cuff, revealing something that made the other flinch, as if he'd been slapped in return. 

"Put that away." 

"I'm not--" 

"Away!" An unreadable expression. Thoughtfulness, maybe. Guilt. Just a hint of guilt in those grey eyes... "Severus, go back to your room and play with your toys." 

"I did it for you!" Desperation. 

Lucius's voice was tired. "Go away." He stood and walked out to the hall, rejoining the party, leaving the seventeen-year old boy standing alone in the middle of an empty room. 

END PART ONE 


	7. Prequel: Parallel Experiences Part 2

Part two of the prequel chapters is up, and that finishes off the story. 

I want to thank everyone who read, everyone who reviewed, and everyone who will read and/or review in the future. So, thank you.

* * *

Tucked away in one of the sitting rooms off the main dining hall, Severus had to wonder why he ever bothered coming to these summer parties. It had to have been Lucius. The man never took no for an answer... So this was Lucius's fault. Severus was willing to play that role. He could blame Lucius very easily. 

"Severus?" 

Looking up, Severus was mildly surprised to see Draco walking towards him, his emerald dress robes glimmering in the low light of the fire. He was carrying two drinks in his right hand and he looked exactly like his father had before war and age had taken their toll. 

"Shouldn't you be out there, enjoying your party?" 

Draco made a disgusted face and sat in the wingbacked chair opposite Severus's. "Why Mother has to have a mid-summer party every year is beyond me. I think she likes to show off." 

"She's had one every year since she became engaged to your father." 

"Really? I didn't know that. Is the first of August special for anything?" 

"It's summertime," Severus answered blandly. "And some people feel that's reason enough to celebrate." His words were hollow. 

There was a pause. "I brought you a drink." 

"No, thank you. I've had my share already." 

"Elf-made," Draco tempted, swilling the second glass invitingly. 

"No." 

"If you're sure." Draco set the glass on the spindelly-legged table between their two chairs and sipped his own. "It's a pity I won't be at school next year." 

Draco was looking at the fire, but Severus knew from his tone that he was waiting for the question. Indulge the boy... "Why won't you?" 

"No real reason to go back, is there? I mean, there's only one thing I'd be looking forward to, anyway." His tone light, Draco finished off his wine. He gestured to Severus's untouched glass. "Do you mind?" 

Severus shook his head. "If that's what you and your father have decided is best." 

There was another pause before Draco went on, his voice a little louder than it needed to be. His words a little faster. "Don't you want to know what that one thing is?" 

"Quidditch?" Severus asked uninterestedly. He was too busy looking at the way the fire lit the boy's face. The soft lines of his cheeks and the swell of his lips... Too many drinks. Severus had had many, too many drinks. 

"Actually, no. I would miss class with you." His drink forgotten, Draco stared in Severus's eyes, his own grey ones blank, hiding something. 

"Well, you always were very good at potions." 

"I'd miss you," he ammended, his voice thick. He went back to staring into the hearth. 

Severus raised one, amused eyebrow. Well, irony of all ironies... "You'll see me around, I'm sure." 

If several glasses of wine and a sip of brandy had not been working at Severus's mind, he would have reacted much more quickly when Draco stood suddenly and walked towards his chair. As it was, he barely registered the fact that they were entirely too close before Draco pressed his lips to Severus's. 

The clean, sweet smells of soap and aftershave mingled in Severus's nostrils as the taste of fine, elf-made wine filled his mouth. It was only an afterthought to notice that Draco's lips were soft and warm. 

"Severus," the boy murmured against his lips. 

It was that softly uttered name, that hungry tone, that brought Severus back to his senses. Pushing Draco away with as much resolve as he cold muster, Severus forced a glare. "That was extremely inappropriate." 

Somewhere in the kiss, Draco must have sank to the ground, because he was now kneeling on the floor at Severus's feet, staring up at the man with hurt in his eyes--Lucius's eyes--and a half-empty glass still clutched in his hand. "I love you." 

It wasn't the movement, but the loud _crack!_ the echoed through the room that told Severus he'd struck the boy. 

Draco slowly lifted a shaking hand and touched pale finger tips to the trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth. 

"Leave me alone," Severus hissed. 

Standing quickly, Draco glared down at Severus, his soft eyes suddenly hard with anger and humiliation. "Didn't you hear me?" 

"Leave." 

"I'm not a child." 

Severus looked at Draco with a mixture of disgust and pity. He knew what the boy was feeling. And because he knew, he had to put a stop to it. It was too tempting...too easy to see Lucius in this boy. Too easy to give in, just a little bit... 

"You are a child. You will never be anything but a child in my eyes. You're selfish and spoiled. What could possibly make you think I want anything from you?" 

"You-You kissed me back!" Draco accused defensively. 

"Incorrect, Mr. Malfoy," he spat. "I merely did not move. It was shock. Now you can either remove yourself from my presence, or _I_ will remove you." 

Draco glared, silent, for several agonizing moments before turning. As he marched toward the door, the glass in his hand slipped, crashing to the stone floor and shattering. The tinkling of broken glass skittering across the floor mingled with the tinkling of laughter from the other room. 

As the door closed and Severus was once again left alone, he leaned forward in his chair, resting his head in his hands, feeling lost and hopeless, is if he was seventeen, and losing Lucius all over again. 

END 


	8. Epilogue: Conversing

I wasn't suppose to write any more, but it wouldn't leave me alone...

This is the story that doesn't end. It just goes on and on, my friends. One day I started writing it, not knowing what it was. And I'll continue writing it forever just because...

Ok. So here's chapter eight of my five-chapter story...it's something of an epilogue. Hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. And I can assure you this is the last part.

R&R, if you please.

* * *

"I enjoy having you over, Severus. It's been weeks since you've come just to visit." 

"I have been very busy." Severus sat in the wingbacked chair across from Lucius and set his tall brandy glass on the spindelly-legged table beside him.

Smiling, Lucius said, "Then you must start making yourself unbusy a little bit."

"With classes to teach and all, that is a little bit difficult."

"Ah, yes." Lucius shifted in his seat, leaning forward, his expression glowing. "I haven't thanked you yet."

Severus scowled slightly. "What for?"

"For whatever it was you said to Draco. I was trying to convince him to stay on at school, but you know how well he listens to me." Sitting back, Lucius set his own glass on the table with a hollow _thump_.

Severus could feel the sound vibrating through the air, all the way to his very bones.

"I'm sure he changed his mind because of something you said. You always give him such good advice, and he always seems more likely to take it when it comes from you."

It took every piece of Severus's self-control to utter his next comment: "As a teacher, I do what I can."

"So, how is he doing it school?"

Severus peered across at Lucius, wondering if the man was doing this to him on purpose. He wouldn't have put it passed him. "He's doing very well. In the top three of the class."

Looking emmencely pleased, Lucius refilled his brandy, then topped off Severus's glass as well.

"For conversation's sake, when was he Marked?"

"Draco?"

A tangle of nerves and guilt that had been bundled in his stomach since August first began to unravel, squirming inside him sickeningly. He both needed and dreaded the answer. No matter what the man said, it would be his fault. If it was July thirty-first, or August second, it would be Severus's fault...

Severus nodded slightly.

"June, the fifth," Lucius replied without hesitation.

"The-- But that would have been on his birthday."

"He's been waiting since he was fourteen to be able to take the Mark. He's always been impetuous. You didn't think he'd wait any longer than he absolutely had to, did you?"

All Severus could do was shake his head. The knot in his gut was gone. It wasn't his fault. None of it was his fault. Draco didn't turn to Voldemort to impress him, nor to spite him. Free and clear of guilt, Severus took his drink and swallowed half the glass in one, grateful gulp. It burned his throat, and nothing had felt so good in months.

"I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

"Oh, he told me. He just didn't say when he had it done."

There was a pause. "You thought he might have done it for...someone?" More silence. "Like you did?"

Severus looked into Lucius's eyes, which still glowed in the firelight. "I suspected," he confessed softly.

"He did it for me, Severus." The man's tone was even. "You need feel no guilt."

"Nor you." It was not something he'd planned to say, but it came out just the same. Suddenly relieved of his own guilt, Severus could not allow his friend to go on suffering.

"What?"

"I don't blame you. I never did. I would have done it anyway."

Lucius smiled sadly. "Thank you for that, Severus."

Severus returned the smile. Leaning back in his chair, he sipped his drink, looking at his friend. He felt relaxed. It had been far too long since he and Lucius had just sat with each other, he decided. Too long since he'd seen the way the candles lit the man's face. That dancing light in those haunting eyes... It was everything he wanted.

END

* * *

First, another thank you to all my reviewers. (showers people with thanks) Second, answers to reviews, because I just have to on some of these. 

Winter: The age differnce between Severus and Lucius is about six years, so that would put Lucius at about 23-24 when their flashback scene happened. Not too much older, but by that time a Malfoy (grand air of importance) should already have been married and had an heir. So the "age difference" is more of a "social difference" in that scene.

And I wasn't suppose to write any more on this...and now I have to. What can I say? Your reviews have inspired me... I'm thinking a sequel instead of more chappies here, though, so look out for that.


End file.
